old myspace blog.
so today i decided to reread an old myspace blog that was put on private.
no it is not that one you guys. haha that hate one will always stay hidden. this one is about mushy stuff like feelings. haha. since its old i dont care as much and thought id put it in here to share. i dont know if ive even changed. haha.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
love train
Current mood: 
complacent
“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. “
“Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you. “
These were two quotes from the movie “The Holiday” to think about.
People always tell me that i overanalyze situations and it’s true. I guess this blog is a peek at the the types of things that i ponder. so this is my love train…of thought.=)
As of right now, I am very much confused on what I should be doing. My life seems so out of order, and I feel like i’ve changed so much.
This whole situation I’m in pisses me off so much. I have never been the pining girl type and I dont want to be now. Girls are supposed to be wooed damn it. Girls are promised whirlwind romances and unadulterated love from the beginning listening to stories at bedtime of Cinderella (my personal favorite) and sleeping beauty and all those other princesses who found that perfect prince. As then as we grow older we are further exposed to the wroughts of love when we begin to see those PG-13 and R movies. We come to determine: that that is how my life will be, I guess thats how all love is, and that is what I want for MYSELF.
For me personally, I had it set in my head that I wanted that sort of movie life and love. I go after the wrong guys because in the movies the wrong guys are just so right for the leading ladies. The wrong guys go right for the leading ladies.….and I guess I just thought it would be the same for me.
Yet, I still wouldnt necessarily say that it is true that love is blind because for some people—those special few—love does help them just see more clearly. It helps them see what they want and truly desire. Love can brighten other peoples lives and bring truth into view. So rather love itself isn’t blinding us, it’s our own personal preconceived notions about what love entails that hinder us from accepting truth. In a way its sort of a huge defense mechanism for our hearts.
If we choose which parts of the relationship to focus on and try to repress the disappointments, our self-esteem and pride stays intact. By reminding yourself of that one small moment when you were completely happy and content with you life and relationship with him, you’re trying to restore your own self-image and make it seem as if your not delierious, he did want you, and your dreams are really not that unattainable. you try to tell yourself that you really aren’t fooling yourself. You use these memories to overshadow the fact that he hasn’t called you in awhile and that he doesn’t look at you the same way anymore.
I have a large defense system and sometimes put up walls when it comes to relationships. And people may wonder why. Well its because of what I’ve seen and been through. I am too easily charmed by a cute charismatic guy.
It sucks to think that everytime you get hurt you put up an extra wall around your heart and the only one who knows how to break that wall down is the main reason why you put it up. and when that “right kinda guy” comes along—try as he might to get through that very same wall—he is just too ill-equipped and uninformed of the sweet spots to knock it down.
Going along the lines of this wall analogy, I passed a quote once that read “I dont put up walls to keep people out, but, rather, to see who cares enough to knock them down.” So maybe there is hope for that “right guy” slowly chipping away is still chipping away. but it also makes you wonder (ok maybe just makes me wonder)—is that quote true for him too?
Does he keep me out as some sort of challenge(subconcious, though, of course). Even if that was so, I dont know if i could keep risking myself to prove my worth. The only thing that troubles me about this sort of mentality that I’m having is: if this is my mentality to give up, what if this would be “the right guy“‘s mentality too? I think i may have lost you in that train of thought. sorry if i did.
I guess by writing this I’m trying to put my situation and feelings into words, and hopefully trying to find a solution to my problems. And….i think I’m surprising myself with my conclusions—because I think i’m deicding not to give up because I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me.
This by no means suggests that I will turn away other “suitors”—as my mom calls it—in the prospect that he will change his mind. That is just false hope and pipe dreams. But I’m just saying I’m not going help him expel me from his life. I’m not completely putting myself out there, but I won’t put in extra precautions to avoid him either—which is what I feel i have been doing. so I guess i’ll add his number back into my phone and not be afraid to ask about him. I’m ready to accept how things will fall and lay based upon my actions.
This seemed to be a twist ending to my thoughts. And I’m okay with that because I no longer wish to be sad or bitter. That’s not me or who i want to be. I am not necessarily a reinvented person. haha…but i just want to be back to a happier and more simple time in my life. And maybe revert back into the old me a little bit—before the hardcore partying and heartbreaks. I’m regressing back to the naive kid who was overly content but with the knowlegde of experience to keep me wise.
It seems like now would be a good time for a congratulatory hug because of this revelation i have just come to pronounce, but no one’s here. and it’s okay. haha.
